My Battle with Being Skinny

By, Charlotte Snow

Did you know that nearly 8 million Americans suffer from some sort of eating disorder? That’s right.  Approximately 7 million women and 1 million men. Crazy, huh? And those are just the numbers for America, so you can imagine what the world’s statistics are.  It’s sad to  think that there are so many who struggle with something so basic, so necessary for survival such as eating. Eating disorders account for the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.  Unfortunately, there is no pill, no magic cure for this disease, and I believe each person’s recovery is uniquely personal and there are so many whose struggle is so hard they never overcome the battle.

How do I know this? Well, I lived it. Over twenty years of my life, on and off, I struggled with bulimia. Yes, now a National Bikini Competitor, Fitness Model and Sponsored Athlete, was for a long time, a very sick girl.  I still remember the day it began. Sitting at the lunchroom table in the sixth grade. I decided that day that I hated the way that I looked and I was going to starve myself to be skinny like all of my friends. I remember my friend saying to me, “You’re just not going to eat? That’s not the way to loose weight.” I of course lied and assured her that I just was not hungry, that was all. I couldn’t let anyone know my secret plan to loose weight. Well, by the time I got home from school that day I was obviously starving. I decided that starving myself would never work, so on to plan B.  I was going to eat, whatever I wanted, and throw it up.  It seemed fool proof. I’d feel full for a little while but I would surely loose weight if I didn’t keep the food inside of me. So, I made myself this rice pilaf that I used to love, ate the whole pot, and threw it up.  My stomach felt so empty, so flat, and I was sure I was on to something.

Over the next few years I would go in and out of these bulimia “phases” as I like to call them. I decided that I really wanted to be healthy, so I started exercising at home, doing work out videos, (Cindy Crawford’s) to be exact. I was watching what I ate.  When we went out for dinner, I opted for the pasta dish with no butter, and no cream sauce.  I would cut up fresh fruit for dessert.  I was making a strong effort to gain control over my eating, as I would unsuccessfully try many times more in the years to come.

This disease affected every area of my life, from school, friendships, and boys, to my professional career as a singer and actress and relationships with men in my adult life.  I had this unbelievably distorted self-image and throwing up became a crutch, a comfort if you will, in some ironic way.  What I came to realize in the later years was, what began as an effort to be “skinny” turned into a matter of control.  You see, when things were going well for me, it was easy for me to “be good”.  But, the moment chaos occurred, the moment a relationship went south, the instance I didn’t get the part in a show or the second I felt as if things were out of my control, the sickness would take over.  Depending on the severity of the situation or level of unhappiness I had reached would depend on the how bad the episode would be, how long it would stay.  Sometimes it would be one night, sometimes a week, sometimes every day for months on end.  It always varied, and some years were just better then others.

With that, I will say, there is so much more, so many details and intricacies I will share in my future posts.  Telling my story makes me vulnerable and yet empowers me at the same time.  Being able to talk about it, openly and without shame, is quite freeing and is a testament to how far I’ve come.  In sharing this most private part of my life with the world, my greatest hope is to reach others who have struggled or who are struggling with eating disorders.  I will share all, even the most extreme stories, to let those of you who need help, and you know who you are, that you are not alone, and that there is hope.  I will let the rest of you know what to look for in friends and family members, especially your teens and children, to help prevent and pick up on the signs.  So please, join me next week.  Thank you for reading and God Bless. xo